On Not Feeling Awesome // plus hiatus

Hey guys! So. If you’ve been following me on social media you might have seen that I haven’t been having a great few days… I’ve been feeling pretty down. I tried to write numerous blog posts with little success. It feels like a lot of bad & stressful stuff has been happening, even though I know it’s probably my perception of it.

It’s okay. I’m doing better now. Even just making the decision to sit down and write makes me feel better. And crying also makes me feel better, even if that sounds kind of weird. I don’t know, maybe my period is coming? It would explain the cramps but also I don’t normally get bad cramps before my period so??? who knows??

Also, I was really stupid & broke my phone. After sitting in rice for several days it seems to mostly work okay, except for the volume. I’d rather have that than nothing though! I’m just a bit frustrated at myself. :/

Just in general EVERYTHING FEELS ANNOYING. I’m having problems dying my hair and seeing all the cool stuff happening at SDCC which I’m not at and having a bit of a Feeling Bad About Gender Moment. I decided to kinda ‘come out’ to my irl friends, I suppose, in that I asked them to use they/them pronouns for me. I love them a lot, and we’re cool and LGBTQ+ together, but some of them don’t know much about non-binary stuff so I guess it can be tiring? And also because I’m an awkward person I don’t like correcting people. But I also put my pronouns more visibly on twitter, so. I’m proud I did that. If I decide actually these pronouns aren’t for me then that’s okay, but they feel good right now, and I’ve had a year to think about.

Good stuff has been happening too! I’m going to YALC next Saturday and I couldn’t be more excited. I also went to see part 1 of Angels in America at the cinema; I look forward to finishing it next Thursday. I’m loving podcasts right now and am absolutely living for the second season of Witch Please, The Penumbra Podcast, and the new Secret Feminist Agenda. I’m currently having a bit of a feminism renaissance! Yay!

I didn’t really realise it until I sat down today but — I think what I need is to take some time away. I’ve been so stressed about trying to schedule posts that I just HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO DO ANYTHING. It is a little disappointing for me because I’m always like ‘oh yay, I blog really regularly! I’m reliable!’ but honestly I want to prioritise my mental health. It’s never good to burn out. It’s not good for me to not be enjoying blogging anymore.

As such, I’ve decided to take August off. I’m away with minimal wifi for the first two weeks — camping hell yeah! — and I’ll see when I get back. I’ll probably post a YALC round up but I can’t guarantee anything more. Instead, I’m going to be working to make my blog even more awesome than before in time for Autumn and my 4th blogoversary! (CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. I feel so old yet I have so few followers, ahahahaha.) (I’m also trying hard to not get down about the relative success of my blog because JEALOUSY IS NOT COOL.)

Thank you for understanding and for staying with me, friends. I love you all. I’ll probably still be more present on twitter and tumblr if you fancy saying hi to me. Please stay well. I’ll see you soon. ❤

 

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Summer Bucket List (& Other Plans)

summer bucket list 2017

I’ve just put on my summer playlist and for once the sun is shining here in the UK. Yep, it’s summertime again! AKA the time where I celebrate not having to do schoolwork only to end up being bored. I wish I was someone who could really take this time to relax and do nothing but unfortunately doing that just makes me feel TERRIBLE. By the end of the holidays I actually miss the structure and purpose that school gave me.

But, I am determined that I’m going to do FUN STUFF this summer and NOT MOOCH AROUND. I might be starting off with too high aspirations, but I’ve printed out a calendar and I’m hoping to get back into using my bullet journal as that really helped me structure my day.

I’ve made a to do list of all the stuff that I want or need to do — ranging LL from homework to visiting museums — so I thought I’d share the most interesting here with you. (Trust me, if I just shared my actual word document with the list it would be pretty incomprehensible.)

ink swash 2

activities

There are so many great museums in London & I don’t think I make enough use of them! I’m hoping to visit the Queer Art exhibition at Tate Britain, the LGBTQ+ history thing at the British Museum, maybe visit the V&A or the Science Museum. I have’t been there since I was about 8 so I’d love to see how it’s changed.

I’d also like to take some day trips for example to Brighton, since it’s pretty easy to get a train ticket places, and also I don’t think I’ve ever been to Brighton. SO I’D LIKE TO DO THAT. I’m still working on convincing my friends to come with me haha.

personal

For personal activities, I am hoping to dye my hair blue tomorrow. I actually dyed it blue earlier but it was a semi-permanent dye so washed out basically immediately. 😦 This is something I’ve wanted to do for ages so fingers crossed it works out!

I am also trying to practice more self-care at the moment. I think I’m doing a better job, and currently I feel…fairly good in terms of mental health? Which is nice for once? I’m using the app Smiling Mind to do short daily (or almost daily haha) meditations, and my mum & I are doing some yoga from youtube videos my aunt recommended us. (She’s recently got super into yoga.) And it’s nice to do something together! Especially a physical activity since I don’t really do much in summer and it does make me feel better. I HOPE to go swimming at my local pool but to be honest I’ll probably end up forgetting. I do use my bike to cycle places though, since my parents can’t take me.

Finally, I’m using Duolingo to learn Japanese. If you’ve been following my blog for a while you might know that I’ve been trying to learn Japanese for a while — I also did a bunch last summer. However, as I predicted school got in the way, so I am hoping to use Duolingo as an easy way to learn some stuff for my school trip (!!!) in autumn. I find I’m quite motivated since I don’t want to lose my streak haha.

online

I’m pretty sure I say this every single holiday, but I’m going to try and write a whole bunch of blog posts so that I can have some buffer posts when school/life gets busy. (BECAUSE GCSE YEAR AAAAH I’M FINE.) We’ll see how that turns out.

I’ve also been considering rejigging my blog a bit in terms of design and the way I post. I do quite like my current theme, but I’m sort of feeling like it’s time for a change? And that I could make something which both looks nicer and has more consistent content. (Not that this is necessary for an amazing blog. Just something I’ve been thinking about.)

I’m vaguely considering doing some podfic — if you don’t know what it is, it’s like an audiobook except for fanfiction — since a) I love listening to podfic and b) now I have a mildly better microphone to record with but we shall seeee.

writing

In the last few months I’ve done basically no writing. I’d like to say school just took up all my time, but whilst that’s true to some extent, I also haven’t been feeling very motivated to write anything. This is the first year where I haven’t really got any new poems by the summer. 😦 However, I do have a new idea that I’m working on so I hope to do some of that!

One of my big problems with writing is that I get so worked up over THE NOVEL and how it has to be perfect. I find it a lot easier to view any writing projects from a different way — like, what would I do with this if it were a fanfiction? For me writing fic is really all about enjoyment  so that often gives me a way to feel excited about my story again. Or: what if this were a collection of short stories? a podfic? a webcomic? Obviously different stories work better in different mediums, but that’s just a weird thing I do.

media

As all my friends know, I’m terrible at following up on the stuff they recommend me. So, I’m planning to use this time to watch a bunch of different TV shows (Steven Universe, Brooklyn 99, Jane the Virgin, Carmilla probably others I’ve forgotten) as well as various books, webcomics, and other things. I also want to watch some musicals like Heathers, A Very Potter Sequel and Spring Awakening. (I’M SORRY. I feel bad watching bootlegs but the production is done and I don’t know how else I’m going to see it.)

Along with all this there’s schoolwork, reading/buying books for YALC, read a bunch of watching movies like Star Wars. I adore Star Wars but my family doesn’t enjoy sci-fi so I haven’t seen them all. And I’m seeing the Angels in America at the National Theatre Live thing in the cinema over the next two weeks which I am SO EXCITED FOR. AAH. Hopefully I’ll write a post about it.

ink swash 2

I’ve probably left out some other stuff I want to do, as I always do, but this post has somehow reached 1,000 words and it’s getting hot in this room so I shall end here. 🙂 If you like you can check out my summer bucket list from 2015 (I didn’t do one last year); I just did and woAH what a throwback. I do hope my writing style has developed a bit since then ahaha.

what are your plans for the next two months? doing anything nice? what do you think of the ink squiggles??(it’s an experiment)

Spring Favourites!

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Yes! We are reaching the start of summer which means TIME FOR A SPRING ROUND-UP. Today it has been very warm and I am generally feeling happy, which…well, makes a change. You may notice that I’m missing my usual picture with all my favourites; this is due to a combination of a) I don’t have loads of time now because reVISION *flails arms* and b) I don’t have any physical objects to arrange this time so it would just, be like, photoshopped images. And I’m not good enough to do make all of that work.

1. Twelfth Night I saw this play at the National and WOAH it was so good! The production was honestly stunning — as in, like, the set was beautiful and the live music was beautiful. It was just so pleasing to the senses. Malvolia was…really different to what I was expecting, and two years since reading the play I am still mad at the ending, but overall I loved it a lot.

2. The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas I couldn’t stop thinking about this book, even once I had put it down. Beautiful, writing, a powerful story — it definitely lived up to the hype, and it’s one of my best reads I can remember.

3. Openly Straight by Bill Konigsberg To be honest, I initially downloaded it because it was cheap on Kindle, but I ended up enjoying it a lot! I NEED TO GET THE SEQUEL NOW, GODAMMIT.

4. Dodie Soooo, in March I was lucky enough to be able to see Dodie on her UK tour with my friends, and it was SO FUN. I’d actually never been to a concert before, and it was so lovely to see Dodie just generally being wonderful and great and music. The band, including the warm-up act Rusty Clanton, were also great, and now I’ve been introduced to some new music!

5.The Good Immigrant, edited by Nikesh Shukla I’ve wanted to read this for a while, so I was really excited to see it the school library! Each essay was different, but each one brought something different, and made me think hard.

6. Las Chicas del Cable Both me & my mum are learning Spanish, so we decided to watch this show on Netflix about women in 1920s Madrid. (It is dubbed, but I’m watching in Spanish with English subtitles.) The production is just gorgeous, and although at times it feels a bit melodramatic there is feminism and queer women and so much to love!!

7. Hidden Figures Aaah! This was awesome! It was great to see the stories of these super smart & inspiring black women told, and I also feel like a learnt History Stuff. *nods*

around the internet:

in the diary:

  • Well, I had a music exam… It didn’t go quite to plan, but I think I still passed, so fingers crossed! I might even get my results by the time this post is actually published. *winces a little at the thought*
  • We had a big family gathering for my aunt’s 60th birthday over the bank holiday, which was super nice because we rarely ever get together — my mum is one of 7 — and I got to see my super cute little cousins!
  • Exams are coming up so, erm, I have some fun revision to look forward to. -_-
  • I managed to survive my overnight walk for cadets at school, which I’m pretty pleased about! I’m rather ache-y now, but we did walk 35k, and our team only got super lost once which I think is impressive haha.
  • I went to a Witch, Please meetup! *screams a bit* Although I had to leave early, it was SO COOL AND WONDERFUL.
  • ALSO IT WAS EUROVISION. IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL AND EXCELLENT and basically just a nice thing in the not-great world. Plus, I managed to convince my friends to be Eurovision fans, hehe 😉
  • Probably some other stuff happened, but quite frankly I can’t remember it at this point. I’m off to see the new Studio Ghibli movie The Red Turtle tomorrow, which I’m rather excited for.

how have you been? seen any good movies recently? are you taking any exams?

Update: Going on Holiday

Hey. It’s me again. I’m going to be going on holiday from Thursday (that’s the 10th July) for two weeks or so. I hope to be able to blog while there, and I’ll have some stuff scheduled, but I don’t know about the connection so sorry if I don’t reply to your comments! 🙂 Are you doing anything for the holidays? Let me know. I like to chat. xx

(also, yay, this is my 100th post! Exciting!)

A New Look for my Blog!

As you might have noticed, I’ve changed the look of my blog! I’ve chosen a new theme, Hexa, to replace my last one, San Kloud. Like it? Love it? Hate it? Any niggling things about it? Let me know. Please be honest, although saying that probably won’t change your mind (though I hope it will).

New avatar

Also, I’ve got a new avatar-thing. It’s not that detailed or anything but…yeah. It’s more related than my last one, and I think it’s an improvement. You?

I hope you guys are good. I’ve just started my summer holidays, and I’m having a busy social life (which is very unlike me). I just went to my best friend’s birthday party and it was AWESOME. We jumped into her swimming pool (I know, she has a swimming pool) and swam with the ducks/ducklings that have nested in her garden. In our clothes. I came home sopping wet, and my mum was not pleased.

Masks

Okay, so: this post was churned into action by the writings of my friend. It’s not entirely my thoughts, although I wish I could say that it was.

Do you ever feel like you’re wearing a mask, pretending to be something you’re not? When I started this blog, I was wearing a mask. It got a lot easier once I abandoned that mask, but lately I feel like I’ve been wearing one again.

I told myself that I was blogging for me and not for traffic. I pretended not to get excited each time a post got viewed or likes or whatever. I told myself that I wasn’t jealous of other people for their better blogs, when I actually was. In the words of Park:

He’d thought he was over caring what people thought about him. He’d thought that loving Eleanor proved that. But he kept finding new pockets of shallow inside himself.

– Eleanor & Park, by Rainbow Rowell

And then I pretend that I am jealous but I don’t care and then it all goes round in circles. But they’re not the only masks I wear, oh no. I wear masks of happiness and sadness and coolness and sometimes I even feel like my name is a mask. It feels like my name, but it doesn’t feel like me. I still haven’t found any name that feels like me.

The problem is, I’m not even sure I’m like without being something I’m not. I’m not feisty or confident or shy. I’m just…me.

If I Could Disappear Into a Book

Books 2

If I could somehow disappear into a book and become a fictional character, then as sure as anything I would.

Fictional characters have it so much easier. Their story has a clear beginning and end and you know that stuff is just going to keep happening to them because you have another 200 pages to go. If it suddenly becomes to embarrassing to bear you can skip that part. You can read your favourite moments over and over again.

So, really, on reflection, I don’t want to disappear into a book. I want to read the book of my life instead of living it.

Huh.

Update: School Trip

Even as you read this, I’ll probably be getting on a coach in the wee hours of the morning, as virtually every school trip starts.

I’m going on an adventure/teamwork/fun school trio for four days, leaving June 15th (Sunday) and arriving back late on the 18th (Wednesday). I don’t think I’ll be able to post while there but I’ll have loads of stuff to write about when I come back!

It’s raining right now; how about you?
Apple xx

Update: Exams, Exams, Exams

Schoolbooks

I’ve been spending the last week or so of my half term holiday revising for exams. It’s not fun. Anyway, the exams are in this coming week so I wanted to let you guys know that I might not be as active as usual for this reason.

Despite all of that doom and gloom, school does finish a little early on some days so you ever know, I might be able to get down some stuff. That’s what I’m hoping, anyway!

How about you? Do you have any exams coming up, or have you been doing any? If not, what are your experiences of exams? I hope you all have an amazing start to June – we’re halfway through the year, ahh!

Apple xx

A Different Sort of Q & A…with Myself

So, hello people out there. This is going to be a Q and A session with my trusty mate Apple, who also happens to be myself (don’t argue). Apple has decided that you don’t really know much about her. 

Talking about myself in the third person is horribly strange, you know that?

Two selves

Shush. Now, I shall be asking the questions. First up: what is your favourite word/s? Words are very good to define someone’s character by.

Um, not really. Although if they say they don’t have one, it is a bit of an indication. Anyway, my favourite words at the moment are ‘superfluous’, ‘deplore’, ‘personified’ and ‘ciliated epithelial cell’. I know that’s sort of weird, but they are all just so nice to say. Try it.

…okay. Moving swiftly onwards, what book did you last read, whether you liked it or not?

The last book I read was Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell. It was good, but not that good, It’s not my favourite book ever. Also, I’m noticing a word-related pattern here.

As I said before, words are important. Speaking of favourite books, what is your favourite book?

Ach, don’t ask me that. It’s too hard to decide.

You’ve piqued my interest. Choose a couple.

Fine: Throne of Glass, by Sarah J Maas. Out of the Easy by Ruta Sepetys. Blood Family by Anne Fine. Skin Deep by Laura Jarratt. The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. Howl’s Moving Castle by Diana Wynn Jones. Geek Girl by Holly Smale. Perhaps Slated, Memoirs of a Geisha and Shift. There’s too many to choose from.

You weren’t joking. That really was a long list.

Of course I wasn’t joking, you idiot!

This conversation makes nonsense. You’re me, and I’m you.

Don’t remind me of it. I’m the one that’s writing about myself about myself and all that conundrum stuff.

It reminds me of Artemis Fowl and the Time Paradox. That was a very confusing book, when we read it. Also, what did you have for lunch?

Pitta  bread and hummus. And can we please not get started on Artemis Fowl? Not to mention the whole we/I/you thing. It’s just confuddling me (a beautiful word, that, even if it isn’t real).

Okay. But can we first mention your strange love for fonts?

No, but you mentioned it anyway. You can’t ask permission to mention something, because that in itself is mentioning the thing.

But I do have a strange love for fonts. Calisto MT and Californian FB are particularly nice to write in. I’ve been converted from Calibri. I shiver to think of writing in it. People don’t notice fonts and that kind of stuff, though, unless it’s in titles. Everyday writing fonts are not paid attention to. They should be. They’re beautiful.

This is only proving your strangeness.

Writing a Q & A with myself makes me seem strange? Wow. I amazed. That was sarcasm, by the way.

Shut up.

This conversation is dissolving into ridiculousness.

I know.

Let’s end it here, okay?