I’m Scared of Being a Teenager

I don’t think I’m very good at being your typical teenager. Granted, I still have some time to turn all rebellious and moody, but I don’t see myself becoming like that. I also don’t see myself having a big falling out with my parents, or going to parties, or whatever else I’m supposed to do. Those things scare me. That’s why I like to stay in my little idyllic den of books and blogging and other fun things.

I think, though, the number one thing I don’t like to talk about is relationships. It seems like relationships are the number one sign of a confident, popular and mature person or whatever. Yes, I can enjoy them in books, but they have to be written well – the reason that I love Rainbow Rowell’s books is that focus on the personality rather than the ‘OMG super hot’ side. I just don’t really understand people going on about physical appearances.

It’s not that I don’t like looking at people. This might sound slightly odd (I don’t mean it in that way?) but I just like looking at everyone. Everyone is just so beautiful. There’s too much beauty. But it’s not like appearance is a choice. The reason I get mad at ‘love at first sight’ is because you don’t freaking know the person. If I fall in love, I’d hope it was for personality. The idea of liking someone based largely on their appearance is foreign to me.

It isn’t I’m not keen the thought of love, either. Sure, I get a little embarrassed, but I want to experience the things I read about. I’ve fallen in love with poems and characters a thousand times, drunkenly turned their pages and giddily danced around vacant staircases for joy, but never for anything substantial. Never for anything real.

God, I don’t know where I’m going with this. I hope that I work myself out sometime. I don’t know if things will be better after school or not, because I’m scared for the future. I feel like I’m both too old and too young for my own skin. I’m bloody terrified of some of the people at school, but at least they’ve got themselves together. (Even if it’s a kind of dark and twisted mess.) See, I just want to talk about poetry and books and art and sing in the sunshine and travel the world and cook and laugh. I don’t want to make myself into something I’m not just to impress other people.

I don’t know if I’ll get more confident as I grow or whether I’ll just be stuck behind on this different path that it appears I chose long ago. It’s like I’m walking a world away from the people I used to be friends with.

School feels like it’s the centre of the world right now. I know it isn’t, but it’s sometimes hard to remember that.

A List of My Obsessions

A list of the things I am or have been obsessed with, in chronological order:

  1. The colour pink Obsessions
  2. Piglet from Winnie the Pooh
  3. Hello Kitty
  4. Vaseline
  5. Chickensmoothie.com
  6. Merlin
  7. Totoro
  8. Throne of Glass
  9. Fangirl/Eleanor & Park (maybe?)

And those are basically the things I am or have been ‘obsessed’ or basically in love and making references to the whole time with. So, yeah. In the past, I have broken obsessions. When I realised I was putting on vaseline basically 30 times a day I stopped using it for a week. My lips hurt so much after that.

For maybe a year or so, I just really liked Throne of Glass as a book. Then, I finally got my friends to read it and we all fangirled and I got super super excited and stuck up pictures in my locker and officially became in love.

Right now, I’m on another wave of Throne of Glass obsession (it’s a book; if you haven’t read it, then go do that right now). I search for fanart between exams to keep me sane, except then I end up thinking about ToG in my maths exam, which is probably not the best idea.

Do you guys have any tips for breaking these sorts of obsessions? *sighs* I just…love…all of my little fictional characters….

I hope to (metaphorically) see you around, and remember that I don’t actually bite if you want to just drop by, say hi, tell me your obsessions and such!

Apple xx

What I’m Loving This May

What I'm Loving this may

Green Tea – I’m drinking it whilst revising.
The Body Shop Cherry Blossom Fragrance Mist – It smells of Spring. I love it.
Lindor Chocolate – I finally finished all the Lindor chocolate lying around my room. It was delicious.
Petroleum Jelly – I’m using this massive tub of not-Vaseline for my cuticles and nails.
Body Shop Peach Lip Gloss – this smells good enough to eat. And I do eat it.
Throne of Glass – As ever. How could I not?
Michel Mercier hairbrush – I got this new hairbrush, and it works a lot better than my old one. Plus, it looks awesome.
Assorted Harry Potter Merchandise – I went to the Harry Potter studio Tour on Monday and it was AWESOME! This is what I bought at the shop. I’ll love you forever, Dobby.
Carnegie Book Shadowing (not pictured) – I’m currently reading the books on the CILIP Carnegie shortlist. I haven’t finished yet, but my favourites so far are Blood Family, All The Truth That’s in Me and The Bunker Diary.

I’m hoping to make this thing a monthly feature at the end of each month, and it will include books, movies, beauty stuff, hair stuff, food – anything, really! It’s basically May Favourites but that sounded too boring, so I changed it.

Why, Self, Why?

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Why, self, why?

Why do you go all sappy in romantic books even though you dislike the people at school who date?

Why do you actually have to keep reading all the cute scenes in your favourite books?

Why is life not a book?

Why do things in books always work out?

Why do you actually seem to be in love with a number if characters from works of fiction?

Why are you actually starting to like the idea of…love?

Why is what your heart is saying not what your mind is saying?

Why, why, why, self, why?