Q & A With Myself, Part 2

View part 1 hereLandline

Well, here we are again.

It’s always such a pleasure.

Remember when you tried to kill me twice?

Portal reference. And we’ve never even played Portal. Or Portal 2.

So what? The songs are funny. GLaDOS a is a great comic talent in the making, I’m telling you. Anyway, on with the questions: what book did you last read?

Landline, by Rainbow Rowell. I enjoyed it very much. Coincidentally, last time we did this I had just read Fangirl by the same author.

Yes, I know. And what book are you reading right now?

I’m slowly making my way through Huntress by Malinda Lo, which I bought and tried (but failed) to read a year or two back.

I kinda remember that, but not really. What did you have for lunch?

You realise that you know this too, right?

Shush. Answer the question.

I had…smoked salmon and cream cheese on some bread we made in our snazzy (snazzy?) new bread maker. I usually have Philadelphia cream cheese, but we were shopping in M&S and they didn’t have anyway, so we had M&S own brand. I personally prefer Philadelphia.

Also, the Philadelphia packaging is nicer.

Look, now it’s me who’s telling you off.

Whatever, darling.  Any new turns of phrase we should know about ourself?

I’m really sorry, but I’ve somehow started to say ‘jeez’. I blame my friend. Also, ‘snazzy’, which I think I actually said earlier. I’m not sure where I got that from.

Me neither.

Well, obviously. We’re the same person.

Shush-shushy-shush. Seriously. What colour best describes your mood right now.

Beigey-grey, I think. Kind of like an olive. Or maybe more like the leaves on an olive tree. But toned down, and kind of sad. Altogether, a meh colour.

A meh colour?

Naturally. Meh is a great adjective. ‘Well, meh’ is basically my comeback for everything that I can’t come up with a witty comeback for. Which is, essentially, everything.

Yeahhh. We’re not that great at comebacks.

I agree. Also, this I/we thing is annoying me again.

At least we haven’t got into the talking-about-ourselves-in-the-third-person yet.

At least.

I feel like this is sort of dissolving again, okay?

Yeah, I think I’m with you on that one. Bye.

 

 

Traffic Jam

Would you like some traffic jam with your coast?
Goodness, no. I’ve come here to trade my honey for some skyscraper curd. Is this enough?
I’m afraid we’ve had some excellent offers for our skyscraper curd recently, and it’s all run out. Can I get you some trainline jelly instead?
Yes, I suppose that trainline jelly will do.
Jolly good. Trainline jelly it is.

5 Things You Should Never Say to a Glasses-Wearer

Glasses
As a glasses wearer and a friend of many glasses wearers, I have compiled a list of things people say to glasses wearers about their glasses that annoy them the most. Of course, different people have different opinions so please feel free to suggest your own ideas. Oh, and preferably don’t use this list to go provoking people.

1. How many fingers am I holding up?
Oh, this question was the bane of my life for many years. People do it less as they and you grow older, thankfully.

2. Are you blind without your glasses?
How do you expect me to know what being blind is like No. It looks a bit like when you try to see in a swimming pool without goggles, with varying degrees of blurriness.

3. You look so different without your glasses!
Why, thank you. I’ve got to wear them for 99% of the time, so it’s a good thing that I look great without them.

4. Can I try on your glasses?
Nonono. It’s kind of okay if you’re my friend, but if I don’t know you then scram. Personal space.

5. Your glasses are really dirty…
This is awkward for both people.

Now that you have read this and taken it in: I hope you all had a fantastic weekend, whatever you celebrated (or maybe you didn’t celebrate anything)! I’m returning to school later this week but I’ll try to keep up my new and improved posting schedule.

A Conversation with my Laptop

I was given a new laptop for Christmas – or at least, I thought it was new, since it turned out to be an old one covered in purple stickers. Anyway, it’s a little, shall we say…uncooperative. To demonstrate this uncooperativeness, I recorded all the things I shouted at it. Here they are, in all their glory.

The laptop in question
The laptop in question

Turning on my laptop

Me: (searches desperately for the powers button) Come on, laptop, turn on! I know you can do this, just listen to me…
Laptop: Nope, nope, nope.
Me: Seriously?!?! (now despairing) Can you please with a cherry on top tell me where the stupid power button is?
Laptop: I’m not saying anything.
Me: Well, sucks to you. (Sticks out tongue and calls up the stairs) Da-ad?
Dad: Ye-es?
Me: How do you turn the laptop on?
Dad: You press the power button.
Me: But WHERE’S THE POWER BUTTON??
Dad: It’s the large one in the right hand corner. It’s a ling thin rectangle.
Me: (looks at laptop) Oh. I see. That one. That very large one with a power sign on it.
Laptop: Ha. (looks smug)

Trying to type something on my laptop

Me: Okay, so I’ve finally managed to load this thing called WordPad. Congratulations, self.
Laptop: Such an achievement, honey.
Me: Shush. I am not going to be offended by my laptop. (starts writing)
(ten minutes later)
Me: Alright. That might be enough. How many words is that? (searches for the word count button)
Laptop: Ahem.
Me: What?
Laptop: AHEM.
Me: What?!
Laptop: There is no word count button, you idiot.
Me: THERE ISN’T A WORD COUNT BUTTON?!
Laptop: No, no word count button.
Me: Dammit. I’ll have to look it up on the internet. There are word count widgets on the internet, right?

Trying to surf the internet on my laptop

Me: So…where’s the internet button? Ah, here. (clicks the internet explorer icon)
Laptop: Can I just point out that it loads onto two totally useless homepages?
Me: Yeah, well, I can see that. I mean, ASUS website? What use is that?
Laptop: Well, it basically acts as an advert.
Me: Yes, yes, I know. What I’m trying to say is that it doesn’t benefit me in any way.
Laptop: Webpage is not responding. Recover Webpage?
Me: (sighs) No, I’ll just exit the window. (tries to exit the window but nothing happens. Clicks on internet icon again) I have no idea what’s happening. Da-ad?
Dad: Ye-es?
Me: I can’t load the internet on my laptop.
Dad: Press the internet explorer icon.
Me: I have, but it’s going nuts.
Dad: (sighs) Maybe that laptop wasn’t such a good idea…

A Different Sort of Q & A…with Myself

So, hello people out there. This is going to be a Q and A session with my trusty mate Apple, who also happens to be myself (don’t argue). Apple has decided that you don’t really know much about her. 

Talking about myself in the third person is horribly strange, you know that?

Two selves

Shush. Now, I shall be asking the questions. First up: what is your favourite word/s? Words are very good to define someone’s character by.

Um, not really. Although if they say they don’t have one, it is a bit of an indication. Anyway, my favourite words at the moment are ‘superfluous’, ‘deplore’, ‘personified’ and ‘ciliated epithelial cell’. I know that’s sort of weird, but they are all just so nice to say. Try it.

…okay. Moving swiftly onwards, what book did you last read, whether you liked it or not?

The last book I read was Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell. It was good, but not that good, It’s not my favourite book ever. Also, I’m noticing a word-related pattern here.

As I said before, words are important. Speaking of favourite books, what is your favourite book?

Ach, don’t ask me that. It’s too hard to decide.

You’ve piqued my interest. Choose a couple.

Fine: Throne of Glass, by Sarah J Maas. Out of the Easy by Ruta Sepetys. Blood Family by Anne Fine. Skin Deep by Laura Jarratt. The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. Howl’s Moving Castle by Diana Wynn Jones. Geek Girl by Holly Smale. Perhaps Slated, Memoirs of a Geisha and Shift. There’s too many to choose from.

You weren’t joking. That really was a long list.

Of course I wasn’t joking, you idiot!

This conversation makes nonsense. You’re me, and I’m you.

Don’t remind me of it. I’m the one that’s writing about myself about myself and all that conundrum stuff.

It reminds me of Artemis Fowl and the Time Paradox. That was a very confusing book, when we read it. Also, what did you have for lunch?

Pitta  bread and hummus. And can we please not get started on Artemis Fowl? Not to mention the whole we/I/you thing. It’s just confuddling me (a beautiful word, that, even if it isn’t real).

Okay. But can we first mention your strange love for fonts?

No, but you mentioned it anyway. You can’t ask permission to mention something, because that in itself is mentioning the thing.

But I do have a strange love for fonts. Calisto MT and Californian FB are particularly nice to write in. I’ve been converted from Calibri. I shiver to think of writing in it. People don’t notice fonts and that kind of stuff, though, unless it’s in titles. Everyday writing fonts are not paid attention to. They should be. They’re beautiful.

This is only proving your strangeness.

Writing a Q & A with myself makes me seem strange? Wow. I amazed. That was sarcasm, by the way.

Shut up.

This conversation is dissolving into ridiculousness.

I know.

Let’s end it here, okay?