On Turning 16

This month I’m turning 16. It feels weird. feel weird about it. I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M GOING TO BE SIXTEEN. In my mind, sixteen sounds so much older than fifteen. It sounds like age when I should be more sorted out, when I should be a better writer, when I should be more confident in myself.

I know that I shouldn’t set so many goals on myself — after all, I know so many wonderful people who are 16 and older who are super awesome and still growing and changing and OBVIOUSLY I have a long way to go — but it does feel like I have just been…less.

In October, my blog is turning 4. Yep, I’ve been here since I was 12! I KNOW THAT’S SO WILD, RIGHT. I truly can’t believe I’ve kept at blogging for this long, and I’m so proud of myself. My blog has become a comforting constant, and I am so grateful that I have carved out this space in which I can say things.

Sometimes my history on here does feel like it’s holding me back, I admit — it’s so much easier to be very personal and honest when you’re shouting into the void of the internet at strangers. Just in general life, I do in many ways wish that I could start over from where I am now, because I am such a different person to how I was in primary school or even 2, 3 years ago.

I feel a little bad for thinking this, but whilst I am so grateful that at the moment my parents are supporting me and I have the structure of school, I really am looking forward to not being a part of that. Being around the same people in a school setting makes it difficult for me to express myself the way I would like. I hope that in the future I can meet feel more happy with myself, and meet more awesome like-minded people. And just to be clear, that’s not to say I don’t love my current friends so dearly, because I do! I would NEVER give them up! It’s just that I have changed, and I want to embrace that change for the better.

Truly, I think I have developed a lot personally. Maybe not so much this year as I did last year; if last year was basically me coming out to myself and my friends, then I guess this year has been…consolidating that? Becoming more confident in myself? I mean, I don’t really know. I know sexuality or gender identity might not be a big deal to some people (which is totally cool and great for you!) but my queerness is a big part of who I am, and it didn’t feel good to bottle that up inside. Although I still make mistakes and do stuff that sucks sometimes, I do hope to keep growing & educating myself & learning how to do better.

So, yes, I wanted to be further in my blogging and writing by now. I haven’t ever finished a project. I haven’t been published any more than I had last year. I basically haven’t written in 6 months, yikes. It is so strange to feel at once so young and on the edge of everything and also like you’ve already wasted so much time. I haven’t experienced “classic teen things” (very big air quotes) like falling in love or going to parties, and yes, sometimes I feel left out. But there is no one way to be a teenager. I can spend my time how I want — and if that’s reading a great book with my cat, that’s okay.

 

I’ve reached the (not so) big five-oh!

Yesterday was the three-month birthday of my blog, the thirteenth, and I’ve decided to take (another) look back at my first months in the blogging world. I also recently reached fifty followers, which has encouraged me so much.

In October, I was blogging almost every day. I haven’t been able to blog as often as that since then, but at the moment I’m trying to do around 2 posts a week.

Nothing comes to mind particularly about November. I was trying to be someone older and more knowledgable about pretty much everything than I am. I started to feel like that was a bit of a lie, though (which, to be fair, it was) and altered my strategy. It’s hard for me to write as someone I’m not. I started using the internet and forums etc. from the earlier side so it feels weird being very honest as well. Is that irony? I’m not sure. Irony doesn’t make sense to me. I mean, it sounds like the word iron. Ironing = not fun.

December was the month of Christmas. Christmas needs no explanation. It’s Christmas.

And in January? Well, I reached fifty followers which may not seem like a lot, but it’s a lot for me! I’m excited about what the month will bring and I’m also excited that in, say, six month’s time, I could have one hundred followers. That is Exciting (note the capital E).

I’m considering some sort of giveaway. I feel like people will only follow for the prize though, which kind of destroys the point. I really need to stop saying ‘like’ and ‘kinda’. I seem to have brought it into all my friends’ speech patterns.
That was random. Anyway:

How’re you all enjoying January? I keep seeing all these diet articles in magazines. It mostly seems to be a load of nonsense. We’ve survived for the last three thousand odd years without knowing how many calories are in every food imaginable and we can probably survive without. They didn’t have waffles a three thousand years ago, though. Mmm…

I’ll see you all later in the week when I write my next post!

Apple xx