Why I Am Happy to Be Alive Right Now

happy to be alive

As the pretentious man in the informative video on teenagers we watched in Year 7 will tell you: “Teen emotions are a rollercoaster”.

Gru is me.
Gru is me.

My thoughts at the time were something like ‘Uh huh. I am definitely believing you right now, pretentious man making faux sympathetic faces and pretending to know what it is like. Your word is the law.’ I think now that it actually wasn’t a terrible analogy, though. I have no idea if it gets better or worse as you move into the ages that *gasps* start with a 2 (and a 3, and a 4, etc.) but it feels quite apt for me.

I’m a complete yo-yo when it comes to feelings. One small thing can set off a crazy living nightmare sequence that hurts whenever I think about it. And one small thing can make me impossibly and indescribably happy.

We’re supposed to be the internet generation. The ones with the concentration of a goldfish who can’t do anything except take selfies and whine about homework. I think we’ve definitely grown up in a different environment to our parents, sure, but it doesn’t feel all doom and gloom to me?

I feel so lucky to be alive right now to steal a line from a musical making me indescribably happy at this moment in time. There are definitely a lot of issues right now that weren’t as prominent a few decades ago, but I think we’re so much more well-equipped to deal with them. I FEEL HOPEFUL FOR THE FUTURE OF HUMANITY.

We are not just the concentration-of-a-goldfish, selfie-taking generation. We’re supposed to be less happy than we were 30 years ago, but…having lived now, there’s no way I’d jump in the TARDIS to live back then. (Pfft, the 80s. Practically ancient history.) The world isn’t all problem-free, but here and now I have so many fabulous things like young adult fiction, for one. WAHT WOULD I DO WITHOUT ALL MY YA?!? I think young people are way more accepting than older generations. I think many of us feel strongly about equality. I’m super grateful to the internet for ruining my life introducing me to a ton of books and fandoms and writing poetry, but it’s also educated me so much on actual more serious things. (That’s not to say social media *coughs*tumblr*coughs* is always right. Information is just a lot more easily accessible than it used to be.)

Sometimes, people tell me that I shouldn’t be relying so much on books for my happiness. I totally get that they’re not, like, living and breathing people you can talk to, but if they make me happy then…WHY NOT? It’s not hurting me, and it’s not hurting anyone else. (I mean, I might have slightly damaged my friend’s ears with screaming from Carry On. But that was only temporary.) When I’m feeling upset of anxious, I will honestly just sit down somewhere quiet and go listen to something like a podfic. The world feels a lot less terrible when ridiculous scenarios are being read into your ear.

I am just very in love with people and books and the world. I’m so happy to be able to experience all the things I love. It can be hard to remember that, but when I do feel good — when I read writing so breathtaking that I maybe actually forget how to breathe, or I hear an fabulous song, or I have the loveliest conversation with someone — it seems like I couldn’t possibly think anything else.

(By the way, this post is part of The you can spell this right Eve Happiness Project started by Sydney @ Love, Sydney. I thought for a while that I might not be very qualified to write it, because I don’t exactly feel amazing all the time, but thinking about all the things that make me happy ACTUALLY MADE ME VERY HAPPY. 😛 You can check out the other posts in the link-up here.)

Where Are These Perks of Being a Wallflower?

Too much crying, she thought. Too many kinds.

Fangirl, Rainbow Rowell

 Blogging hasn’t been feeling wonderful for me lately. You could probably sense the emptiness. It’s difficult to write when you’re still trying to figure out your own story.

Okay, so here’s me: I’m an observer. I like to watch people. 9 times out of 10 I won’t say anything to or about them at all, but I notice things.

I’m also an introvert, I think. When I notice, I notice how much more everyone is and wish to be like them. For me, it isn’t the falling that hurts the most (because there are plenty of hands to help you back up) but instead the feeling of not quite making the mark. The feeling of not being confident enough, smart enough, pretty enough: just the feeling of not being enough. I’ve got an entire draft listing the reasons I feel inadequate somewhere.

I suppose I’m always going to feel a bit jealous of those effortlessly charming people. I enjoy being around people but it takes a lot for me to be comfortable and to stop worrying about the things that come out of my mouth. It extends to the keyboard, as well; though I’m far more comfortable in writing, I can still agonise over sending emails and comments sometimes. That’s why it can sometimes be such a relief to be anonymous, to become someone new. I know that it can be problematic but  sometimes it’s a relief to be able to compliment someone without it feeling like an open wound.

I guess I’ve just got to learn that being quiet isn’t a crime. In books the characters usually have their soulmate or their best buddy who will totally get them, and…to be honest, I’ve found that doesn’t really happen. I don’t see anyone thinking I’m, like, a leader. Cool. Look at me – I can make small talk, maybe, but people start asking what do I want to do when I’m older and what music do I like and am I dating anyone and I’ll clam up. I love my friends to pieces and I’d do anything for them, but there are always going to be moments when we’re not quite aligned.

Yeah. I’ve got other things bothering me, but I think that this is the most important. This is the reason that I’m not spilling out my entire heart to you and sobbing on your shoulder. I love you all to pieces as well, but I think there are some problems that aren’t solved by talking about it.

(Maybe it would. I don’t know. But I don’t think that I’m brave enough to.)

I’m Scared of Being a Teenager

I don’t think I’m very good at being your typical teenager. Granted, I still have some time to turn all rebellious and moody, but I don’t see myself becoming like that. I also don’t see myself having a big falling out with my parents, or going to parties, or whatever else I’m supposed to do. Those things scare me. That’s why I like to stay in my little idyllic den of books and blogging and other fun things.

I think, though, the number one thing I don’t like to talk about is relationships. It seems like relationships are the number one sign of a confident, popular and mature person or whatever. Yes, I can enjoy them in books, but they have to be written well – the reason that I love Rainbow Rowell’s books is that focus on the personality rather than the ‘OMG super hot’ side. I just don’t really understand people going on about physical appearances.

It’s not that I don’t like looking at people. This might sound slightly odd (I don’t mean it in that way?) but I just like looking at everyone. Everyone is just so beautiful. There’s too much beauty. But it’s not like appearance is a choice. The reason I get mad at ‘love at first sight’ is because you don’t freaking know the person. If I fall in love, I’d hope it was for personality. The idea of liking someone based largely on their appearance is foreign to me.

It isn’t I’m not keen the thought of love, either. Sure, I get a little embarrassed, but I want to experience the things I read about. I’ve fallen in love with poems and characters a thousand times, drunkenly turned their pages and giddily danced around vacant staircases for joy, but never for anything substantial. Never for anything real.

God, I don’t know where I’m going with this. I hope that I work myself out sometime. I don’t know if things will be better after school or not, because I’m scared for the future. I feel like I’m both too old and too young for my own skin. I’m bloody terrified of some of the people at school, but at least they’ve got themselves together. (Even if it’s a kind of dark and twisted mess.) See, I just want to talk about poetry and books and art and sing in the sunshine and travel the world and cook and laugh. I don’t want to make myself into something I’m not just to impress other people.

I don’t know if I’ll get more confident as I grow or whether I’ll just be stuck behind on this different path that it appears I chose long ago. It’s like I’m walking a world away from the people I used to be friends with.

School feels like it’s the centre of the world right now. I know it isn’t, but it’s sometimes hard to remember that.

Update: Exams, Exams, Exams

Schoolbooks

I’ve been spending the last week or so of my half term holiday revising for exams. It’s not fun. Anyway, the exams are in this coming week so I wanted to let you guys know that I might not be as active as usual for this reason.

Despite all of that doom and gloom, school does finish a little early on some days so you ever know, I might be able to get down some stuff. That’s what I’m hoping, anyway!

How about you? Do you have any exams coming up, or have you been doing any? If not, what are your experiences of exams? I hope you all have an amazing start to June – we’re halfway through the year, ahh!

Apple xx

Being Scared & Nervous

Tearing your hair out??

I have a lot of exams and stuff coming up and I’ve been feeling nervous. Really nervous. It isn’t always rational, and it isn’t always specific, but I’m nervous. I have some quick tips I’d like to share with you guys about dealing with being anxious. Some of them are a bit silly but they work for me!

1. Being nervous is okay. It’s normal. In fact, it would probably be strange if you weren’t worried. Don’t get worried about the fact that you’re worried. I know I never believe this when I’m told it, but nerves can help you perform better.

2. Just get through the day – talk to your friends, watch TV, go to school. Doing normal things always always, always helps, even if you feel like lying in bed and doing nothing at all.

3. Find someone else to be for half an hour, or an hour, or a day, or however long the thing you’re anxious about is. Choose anyone: it can be a brave book character, a feisty character from your favourite movie, or even someone in real life that you look up to. Find someone who would be confident in this position, and become them. You don’t have to talk in a different accent or anything (you can if you want) but it works if you just think about it. And remember that you don’t have to tell anybody about it. There’s no space for embarrassment.

4. If you’re having problems getting to sleep, then don’t look at any screens for an hour and half before going to bed. Doing exercise during the day also helps. You might also want to consider getting some relaxing music or ‘meditation’ tapes to help you get to sleep – I used to use them because I had big problems getting to sleep.

5. Share it. I know it sounds stupid, but a worry shared is a worry halved. It actually works. If you don’t want to talk, then write it down in a diary.

Do you have any tips, tricks or experiences to share about being nervous? I’d love to hear them!

Apple xx

Dealing with Stress

Ok, so we all get a bit stressed sometimes, whether it’s from school (or work) or it just feels like nothing seems to be going your way. Anyway, here are a couple of my tips for dealing with stress.

*OF COURSE, IF YOU NEED TO THEN VISIT A DOCTOR. THESE POINTS ARE NOT DESIGNED TO REPLACE SPECIALIST TREATMENT!*

The most important point is probably to just USE YOUR COMMON SENSE. The following points are basically just using common sense to help reduce stress and anxiety.

HAVE A RELAXING BATH AND DON’T GO TO BED TOO LATE.

water bubbles

Things will seem better in the morning. Trust me – I speak from experience.

PLAN TO DO SOMETHING AT THE WEEKEND OR DURING YOUR FREE TIME.

This gives you something to look forward to. It can be a nice meal, going to a movies, having a trip somewhere: it doesn’t really matter as long as you enjoy the activity. If you just want to relax, then fine, but be careful because this can sometimes just make you feel worse.

EAT SOMETHING AND HAVE A DRINK.

I always get super grumpy when I’m hungry. I like to make pasta or something simple. In our house we call it comfort food.pasta

GET SOME EXERCISE.

Stressing the body will actually make you less stressed (all those endorphins…or you know, something like that). If you’re not a very sporty person, then try just jumping and messing around at the pool.

EVEN IF YOU JUST WANT TO CURL UP AND CRY, STAY STRONG!

I know that sometimes crying just seems like the best option. But really try to stay strong and see the light at the end of the tunnel because eventually you’ll just naturally stop crying and then wish you’d been doing something to sot out the problem instead.

REMEMBER THAT YOU CAN’T CHANGE THE PAST.

Going through all the possible things you could have done to avoid that really embarrassing moment is not gonna change anything, OK?

…Well, I hope these tips help you to manage your anxiety and stress. Thanks to all you awesome people who read this and have followed or liked this blog. If you have the time to comment that would be amazing.

apple xx fontmeme