I Am Worried About the Future

I just got a very sudden urge to write a blog post, so HERE I AM.

I’m just going to jump right in and say — if I’m honest, this blog has not been the place where I truly write about all my feelings for some time.

I always feel like there’s a strange tension (for me at least) between trying to put your blog out there as a ~brand~ and between using it as a diary to discuss your innermost feelings. As my blog expanded and I’ve shown it to be more people, it has become less of a diary. I think part of this is down to me; I’m not very good at discussing my feelings with people in real life, and when I write them down I feel worried about what people I know IRL who could read this blog might think of them. (I’m kind of doing it now.) I’m not sure why that scares me so much, but there it is.

I think it’s also due to fear that whatever I publish on the internet is permanent, in some way. I shy away from posting precise details about my life because a) I don’t want people to be able to find me and b) it just freaks me out that this might all be…there for people to find. I want to keep something for myself.

Anyway. I’ve recently got a couple of things on my mind, and I wanted to talk about them a little bit (mainly to get them off my chest because, lol, this blog barely gets traffic anymore). Mainly, I am worried about the future: specifically, about climate change and university/post-school plans. It feels trivial to worry about university in comparison to climate change, which is obviously a WAY bigger issue, but I guess uni is something that I have more control over, so there we are. I can’t change my brain.

If you’ve been reading the UK news lately, you might be familiar with the Extinction Rebellion and Youth Strike for Climate Change protests, both of which call on the government for far quicker action. I’ve always cared about the environment, but the recent protests (partly inspired by Greta Thunberg) has really brought it more to my daily agenda of thoughts. I’m so stressed, folks! The IPCC report says we have to achieve net zero emissions by 2050! We’re already seeing the devastating impact of climate change across the world, particularly where people are already the most vulnerable. If we don’t take direct action to keep global warming below 1 degrees Celsius then this will only worsen, as will the loss of biodiversity — I mean, if we reach a warming of 2 degrees then 99% of coral is going to die out. NINETY NINE PERCENT.

It makes me so worried for the future. It feels hard to have hope and enjoy my life when I know that everything I do is damaging the planet, and that before I’m 50 years old the world and society could be irreparably damaged. This is only added to by the absolutely inconceivable lack of political will to DO ANYTHING. I know some politicians are trying to be good but honestly can some people just stop trying to further their own ambition and actually do something good for the country and the world! The point of being a politician shouldn’t be the power itself! (Basically, the Tory leadership contest is absolutely dismal. And I continue to be frustrated that Labour still think they will win an election by not really changing any of their policies. Argh.)

We have declared a climate emergency, but if concrete policy that strengthens and increases current measures aren’t carried out, then what’s the point? We’re not just going to get to zero emissions by recycling now and then. And we need to do BIG things that limit companies rather than just pointlessly targeting vulnerable individuals (like with the plastic straws).

I feel very hopeless around the whole thing. I’ve written to my MP and downloaded the search engine Ecosia which uses the revenue from its advertising to plant trees (which can absorb carbon dioxide), as well as trying to be more active about recycling and plastic use, but it doesn’t feel like enough. Several of my friends have gone on the Youth Strike for Climate Change which I really admire. I wish I could do that, but every time it comes around I feel so worried because I know I’m missing work that will be in our exam.

Which brings me onto my next topic…this might be a bit of a strange transition, because it’s going from a huge issue that affects all of us and needs global action to an extremely personal one. And I do feel bad worrying about university when it’s not actually important in the grand scheme of things. But as I said, it is something I have more control over and, you know, if society is going to disintegrate then I want to make the most of the time that I have.

Before I started Year 12 I thought that I’d want to study something like Spanish, History, or Politics after leaving school. (I take Spanish, History, Maths and Latin.) However, as the year has progressed I’ve realised that a) one of my Spanish teachers is really not great and b) whilst History is extremely interesting and useful, it requires so much work and it’s not the work that I really look forward to. It feels like it takes so much time  from my other subjects. I’m just sort of…meh. I don’t know. And whilst I still care about politics in general, I’m just not really finding myself motivated to do extra work around it? Especially in comparison to other things I’ve been drawn into like ancient history.

Yeah. So, now I have ended up trying to decide which of these  two subjects — that I was most enthusiastic about at the start of the year — to drop, which is strange. I’ve got mock exams next week so I’m going to see how I do in those… I’ll be honest, they’re quite stressful because they’re giving me my predicted grades, but at least I don’t have to go through the whole shebang of public exams.

The idea of leaving school is stressful. I have decided that I want to go to uni but obviously I don’t know where or studying exactly what yet. My life has changed quite a bit in the last year and I feel like it’s only going to change so much more after sixth form ends. I’ll have to make new friends! I’ll probably have to discover a new place to live! I’ll have to learn about organising my own time! I really hope that I’ll be able to come out and get people to use the right pronouns for me but I know that there’ll probably be a lot of explaining to do. But it’s a nice thought.

It’s all just exciting but also terrifying. At the same time, I feel bad for getting excited because the world is also collapsing around me and I KNOW that I can’t function on worry all the time but my brain still does that I guess. I’m not exactly sure how to move forwards. At least writing this post helped; I’ve actually written a lot here, which is kind of wow. If any of you are going through or have gone through similar things — let’s share our thoughts?

12 thoughts on “I Am Worried About the Future

  1. i completely understand all your points!! :)) i think that politicians at the minute are caring too much about brexit and not looking at the wider picture. i suppose it’s this feeling of helpless and insignificance in a world of so many people. the point about the balance between a brand and a diary i agree with so much because there’s just some posts i think are too personal, if that makes sense? great post as always, hope everything sorts out soon <33

    1. Yup, that’s how I feel at the moment. I feel like we *could* all get together to make a change but it’s just not happening right now. And yeah, I think I understand you! Putting absolutely everything out there on your blog is probably not the most healthy decision. I feel like I need to start a real life diary tbh haha. And thank you 🙂

  2. Ahh I completely understand you worrying about climate change, it’s something that’s constantly on my mind too. I always have this thought at the back of my mind that society is developing too fast beyond our means and that civilisation – and the climate – is going to collapse. I know that sounds really pessimistic, it’s honestly terrifying thinking this world we live in now might be destroyed within our lifetimes 😭 kind of one of the reasons I wanted to study politics/international relations is because I wanted to understand how it all works and contribute to fixing this mess, however I think I’d be a terrible politician 😂 and it’s completely okay to be worried about university because it’s an important thing in your life and you still matter in the grand scheme of things!!! It’s a lot of big decisions to make and big changes, try not to pressure yourself in to figuring it all out yet 💛 nothing is set in stone and it’s never too late to change your mind about things! Hope your exams are going okay 🙂

    1. No I completely get you, I’m kind of the same… I have hope that if it does get to that then humanity will be able to find a way out, but I hope it doesn’t get there. And aw yeah I can see that! Thanks so much, I needed to here that ❤ I'm trying to just go with what feels right to me and not listen to people talking about it and start panicking but sometimes it's hard. My exams have gone alright thanks (*crosses fingers*), I've just got my final history one left 🙂 Hope you're doing okay too!

  3. I definitely get where you’re at, Eve! Climate change also worries me a lot, but I feel like at this point the only way to stop it is if we ALL come together to bring forth positive change, and big corporations (who I see as the cause of it) aren’t willing to do that. And it’s also really frustrating when some governments don’t recognize it as a problem (see: Trump) and don’t do anything about it when they have the power to do so.

    I hope your mocks go well! And I don’t really have any advice to give about uni since I’m currently really worried about it too but I hope things aren’t as stressful for you now ❤

    1. Yes, I can’t understand how those big businesses leaders don’t seem to feel any sort of responsibility about this but sadly it seems to be the case. And yeah, I’m glad at least that the UK government does believe in climate change.

      Thank you! And I hope we can both find some clarity over uni and the future ❤

  4. Oh gosh I definitely have an internal conflict between what I want to do in life and the climate ALL the time, it’s horrible feeling pangs of guilt at each stage, but really all we can do is try to make small steps so your own conscious feels better. Inevitably climate change is down to the changes of the masses rather than it being all on you, so if you can pursue your own happiness while making sustainable choices where possible (which may be hard if you are still living at home as you don’t get to make the rules) then that’s all you can do in the short term.

    In terms of the future- I feel you. My sixth form life was super stressful as I wasn’t ready to leave and “decide” my future. That said, I took Spanish as a degree and decided not to pursue a career in languages (or at least for now). Your life is full of possibilities, and the degree you choose (if you choose to go to uni) is not the be all and end all of your life. Definitely take the time and choose something you enjoy rather than what will give you career options.

    I don’t know what your uni plans are, but I found that the first year is quite nice to mingle as everyone is in a new environment, so people are much more willing to talk and interact.

    And, if you are still unsure about everything, there’s no harm in taking a gap year to collect your thoughts!

    This turned out to be much more of an essay than I was expecting, but hopefully you can get to a point where you feel better about your future! Always here if you need to vent or want some advice 🙂

    1. Yeah, I’m trying to do my best about being environmentally friendly but I recognise that to some extent I can’t do everything and it’s not within my control.

      I really can’t believe I’m coming to the end of sixth form! Thank you so much for the advice. 🙂 Hopefully I’ll make a choice that’s good for me — I feel like I’m getting there, but I don’t want to be rushed by everything that’s happening around me. It’s been quite comforting to realise that a lot of my classmates also aren’t 100% sure what they want to do in the future. How did you find studying Spanish as a degree, if I may ask?

      1. Oh for sure- it’s important to take all the time you need to decide something for YOU, not for what you think you should be doing. I did Spanish at Southampton uni- and a lot of modules did focus on Spanish history and culture, BUT I only had 3 hours a week that actually involved speaking Spanish! I wasn’t the best at the language side so I guess it helped me out, but I did enjoy the degree as a whole 🙂 I definitely wouldn’t have kept up learning a language without doing it as a degree, so I regret nothing!

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