On Turning 16

This month I’m turning 16. It feels weird. feel weird about it. I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M GOING TO BE SIXTEEN. In my mind, sixteen sounds so much older than fifteen. It sounds like age when I should be more sorted out, when I should be a better writer, when I should be more confident in myself.

I know that I shouldn’t set so many goals on myself — after all, I know so many wonderful people who are 16 and older who are super awesome and still growing and changing and OBVIOUSLY I have a long way to go — but it does feel like I have just been…less.

In October, my blog is turning 4. Yep, I’ve been here since I was 12! I KNOW THAT’S SO WILD, RIGHT. I truly can’t believe I’ve kept at blogging for this long, and I’m so proud of myself. My blog has become a comforting constant, and I am so grateful that I have carved out this space in which I can say things.

Sometimes my history on here does feel like it’s holding me back, I admit — it’s so much easier to be very personal and honest when you’re shouting into the void of the internet at strangers. Just in general life, I do in many ways wish that I could start over from where I am now, because I am such a different person to how I was in primary school or even 2, 3 years ago.

I feel a little bad for thinking this, but whilst I am so grateful that at the moment my parents are supporting me and I have the structure of school, I really am looking forward to not being a part of that. Being around the same people in a school setting makes it difficult for me to express myself the way I would like. I hope that in the future I can meet feel more happy with myself, and meet more awesome like-minded people. And just to be clear, that’s not to say I don’t love my current friends so dearly, because I do! I would NEVER give them up! It’s just that I have changed, and I want to embrace that change for the better.

Truly, I think I have developed a lot personally. Maybe not so much this year as I did last year; if last year was basically me coming out to myself and my friends, then I guess this year has been…consolidating that? Becoming more confident in myself? I mean, I don’t really know. I know sexuality or gender identity might not be a big deal to some people (which is totally cool and great for you!) but my queerness is a big part of who I am, and it didn’t feel good to bottle that up inside. Although I still make mistakes and do stuff that sucks sometimes, I do hope to keep growing & educating myself & learning how to do better.

So, yes, I wanted to be further in my blogging and writing by now. I haven’t ever finished a project. I haven’t been published any more than I had last year. I basically haven’t written in 6 months, yikes. It is so strange to feel at once so young and on the edge of everything and also like you’ve already wasted so much time. I haven’t experienced “classic teen things” (very big air quotes) like falling in love or going to parties, and yes, sometimes I feel left out. But there is no one way to be a teenager. I can spend my time how I want — and if that’s reading a great book with my cat, that’s okay.

 

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13 thoughts on “On Turning 16

  1. EVE MY WONDERFUL BEAN it’s so exciting to see you growing up and evolving as a person. I remember being 16 (oh god I sound so old) and it definitely felt like a more defining year when you start to become more of a “young adult”. I still haven’t done “typical teenage things” but I wouldn’t​ change my teenager-hood for the world because being different is COOL and you are and will continue to be an amazing bean, no matter what you chose to do with your life! So proud of you for becoming more confident in yourself over the past year as you said, and for blogging for 4, years – such a commitment! You’re a wonderful friend and can’t wait to welcome you to the closer-to-20-than-10-club 😂 (eek!) ❤

  2. HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY DARLING!! We’ve apparently been blogging for a similar amount of time, I turn 16 in January and my blog turns 4 in April!! And you are absolutely right that there is no “correct” way to be a teenager. You are an amazing person who is doing an awesome job at human-ing!! There was probably a better way to word that, oh well. ANYWAYS. I’m very proud of everything you’ve done, you’re such a cool person and you have such a lovely presence on the internet. ❤

  3. You are such an awesome person!! I can’t imagine my younger self being so commited to something such as blogging(I tried a lot but yeah, didn’t work) so congrats for such a great accomplishment!

    I’m also so glad to hear you feel more confident in yourself!
    One of my favorite parts of blogging so far is how I get to interact with all sorts of people in different phases of life and I love to see how, no matter the age, we are always growing and learning and trying to be better. This per se is such an awesome thing so I hope you can be proud of it!

    I wish you a great birthday!
    May the awesome elfs of birthdays bless you with a great time!

  4. Happy 16th birthday! 🎈🎁🎉 I hope your birthday was as amazing as you are. 🙂 I can’t believe you’re only 16 – your posts are so mature and intelligent. xx

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