I Discuss Some Gender Issues™

I’m gonna be honest… I’m a tiny bit anxious about posting this? (Or writing it. I haven’t actually posted it yet, so you know.) I don’t post all that much about personal things, and I especially don’t really post stream-of-conscious-ness-y things, though in some ways I wish I could. I edit a lot. The stuff I write is not my undiluted thoughts.

ANYWAYS. I digress! I’ve showed my blog a to a handful of people in real life, and although I’m not really sure if they actually read it, it’s enough to know that they can, and that worries me a bit. I’m not entirely anonymous and all that. But normally I just sort of try to write as though I don’t really care if real life people read my blog, otherwise I’d be worring ALL THE TIME and that’s super not fun. I guess it might be a bit awkward, but…at least I don’t have to talk face-to-face? Yeah, never mind, that was just a RANDOM INTRO BIT which got longer than expected.

Some of you guys have picked this up from my various tweets/conversations with you, but I’m kind of having some issues with my gender right now, I suppose? I just. I am just not 100% sure if I am a cisgender girl, in summary.

I don’t really know. I’ve been kind of considering this for some time now, I suppose, but my main thing is that…you know, it’s not one of those things where I automatically discovered what non-binary meant and said YEP, THAT’S ME. Equally, that didn’t really happen with the general other queerness thing — dude, I don’t think I’ve ever actually said it on the blog but I’M REALLY QUEER, IN CASE YOU COULDN’T TELL — but at least looking back there was kind of signs. A general feeling of difference.

I am basically just A PERMANENTLY CONFUSED PERSON. When I was trying to figure out whether I actually liked girls, or boys, or indeed anyone at all (what am I saying, still am) I spent a lot of time examining and picking apart my own emotions. Like, a lot. I still do that. I research, and then I compare, I feel certain, I research more, and I completely don’t know again. I’m now moderately certain that I at least don’t like girls any less than I like boys.

So, yeah, like I said — with ~gendery things~ that general feeling of ‘maybe this is me’ didn’t immediately happen. And I know that doesn’t necessarily mean loads, but it means that I end up feeling really uncertain. I didn’t particularly have a lightbulb moment, I don’t think, but I just sort of ended up thinking ‘I’d quite like to look like that’.

And THINGS GET COMPLICATED. It’s difficult to disentangle your own emotions from stuff like what society tells us, because they’re all mixed up. Is this just that I don’t feel I fit into the veryveryvery narrow typical role of a woman? Is me wanting to be less feminine a part of internal misogyny? Like when guys open doors for you because they’re ‘being a gentleman’. I’d rather it was just because I was an actual human being and it seemed a nice thing to do rather than because they thought I was a girl.

Anyway. In general from what I can tell, gender is kind of…bleurgh, no one even knows. DOES IT ACTUALLY EXIST? IS IT A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT? I suppose at the moment I feel a lot more comfortable wearing typically masculine clothes… I own a (crappy) binder. I’ve worn it a few times. It’s not that comfortable. But, like, is it just an issue about presentation? Is that kind of thing just part of the gender stereotyping? Would I be cool with just looking kind of more masculine but still identifying as a girl? (Because there are lots of super cool ladies who present more masculine.)

I also don’t really want to give up stuff like Girlguides — I mean, I enjoy it loads, but obviously it is a female space. That seems selfish of me. Does this mean that I shouldn’t be allowed there? Because I do find it a tiny bit uncomfortable when people just assume I’m a girl because of that. (Although it’s fair enough.) I’m not going to give it up just now, though, because I am still figuring things out.

As you can probably see: I just throw up more questions for myself! All the time! *shrieks* I don’t… I’m not really sure what I’m hoping to achieve with this post; some catharsis, I suppose. I’ve been semi-writing-it-in-my-head for some time now. I’ll probably remember loads of things that I wanted to say but didn’t get a chance to.

Also, I know my posting has been a little messed up lately, but hopefully over the holidays I’ll have more of a chance to write stuff and build up some posts for the next school term. 🙂

 

 

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15 thoughts on “I Discuss Some Gender Issues™

  1. Hello stranger! This post popped up in my feed for people I’m following. The title caught my attention and I ended up reading your entire post. I’d like to share a few of my feelings. Firstly I want to tell you, please don’t be nervous about posting things like this. I why you feel that way but you shouldn’t. The book community is a very accepting place and I’m sure your friends will be too (if they end up reading it). And if there are people who are not accepting, you should just not care. They do not matter. You seem like a very nice person and you don’t deserve crap from anyone. Secondly, reading this post it seems like you are really pushing yourself to fit into a label, any label. Maybe it would help you to worry less and feel more comfortable if you focus on this a little less. Just try to view yourself as a unique individual and try to find out what defines you, without trying to use labels. I know this is all easier said then done. I hope this might have helped in some way. Just be you because you are great! Have a wonderful day 🙂

    1. Hi! Thank you so much for taking the time to read & comment — I really do appreciate it more than I can say. (Although that sounds kind of terrible. I DO.)
      Your words are so kind and wonderful ❤ Most people I'm friends with I'm sure would be accepting, but I guess it's difficult for me to ignore the doubt there?
      Hopefully someday I will be able to stop worrying about labels; that is the hope and the dream! I’m probably not going to find one soon haha. I suppose the problem with gender is that in the world we live in, I have to define my gender again and again every day. (In how people address me, toilets, sport, filling out forms.) Which is a little frustrating. But I’d like to try and let that bother me less, because it SHOULDN’T be that way.
      Aah thanks again for your comment; I hope you have a great day too! ❤

  2. Eve, no matter how you identify yourself, female, male or something in between, you’ll always be amazing person and I’m happy to know you! ^^
    I hope you figure out what you identify yourself as, because not knowing who or what you are is not a great feeling

  3. YES SAME!! i will randomly ask myself what my gender is and cry a lot while trying to answer it… i use non-binary/panro/ace because it gives me a general space in which to flail about and absolutely no one will question me. tbh i’m still not exactly sure what i am either :))) yAY GENdER

    (also teeeechnically & apparently if you’re semi-girl-aligned you can qualify as a girl)

    1. WHY IS STUFF SO DIFFICULT AND CONFUSING. Just, like, general crying. We can cry about gender together ahaha.

      (Yeah that is something I have been considering??? Sadly I feel like loads of people I know irl don’t really “believe” in, like, more than 2 genders and probably wouldn’t be able to cope with that though arghhh. Though that shouldn’t be a reason for anything, but.)

  4. EVE. I’M SENDING YOU LOADS OF HUGS BC I CAN, AND ALSO BC I’D LIKE TO GIVE YOU LOTS OF HUGS. It’s sucky that figuring this stuff out is sucky, and it’s okay to not necessarily know right away! Things change! Things are fluid! WHO REALLY KNOWS WHAT GENDER IS ANYHOW. but we support you no matter what so you do you my friend and don’t worry!!
    (on a very random side note wordpress is displaying my own blog on the “more on wordpress.com” footer bar and I feel honored. It’s my 2016 goals post. HOW DOES THAT RELATE TO THIS IDK)
    ANYHOW
    YOU’RE AMAZING OKAY
    ❤ ❤ ❤

  5. Thank you, dear heart, for sharing this with us. What a brave & bright & brilliant thing. Gender is hard & confusing, but I promise we will stand by you through all of the wondering – &, I hope, the eventual knowing. For now, I think perhaps all there is left is to embrace this realm of uncertainty. You are true & good whether you know your label or not, & no matter how many times it shifts. I & all of us love you. xox

  6. I can see why you were self conscious with publishing this because it’s scary to see how the blogosphere receives and reacts towards more personal posts. But thank you for sharing this part of you with us, Eve. I do identify myself to be a heterosexual cis female. But I still recognize that gender (and sexuality and many other things) is a confusing mess and why must people label themselves, right? Well anyway, your identity will never change, and you’ll always be YOU. I will support you no matter what, and I know it may not feel like it but it’s okay to be confused. Again, thanks for being brave. And I hope that you did achieve some catharsis with this post.

    1. Yep, although all the bloggy people have been very supportive which is nice! I don’t post personal things that often, but it does help a lot to write things down.Thanks so much for reading and for your lovely words. Things are confusing but I think the best thing for me is to get it out and then try and move on. 🙂

  7. Eve I’m so proud of you for writing this! You have all the time in the world to figure this stuff out, and if you never do that’s okay too. I mean all the sexuality and gender stuff is super confusing, so being able to put your thoughts into words like this is already impressive haha. Again, super proud of you ❤

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