I don’t think my blog is very personal. School is far too dull for a day-by-day diary. Instead, I like to write structured posts with lists that have been written and edited over several days with lots of book photoshoots and pretty fonts. No, really: I find it very difficult to talk about my own life!
Usually, I’ll only get Strong Feelings The Capitalised Edition to write about anything really happening to me if I’m a) upset or b) super excited. Although I’m not sure if my friends actually read my blog, they know what it is and where to find it. And I think that insecurity scares me. I’ve also built so much of an identity around this corner of the internet that I feel scared to change it. I want everything to be consistent, but people change.
THIS IS SO WEIRD. Normally I’m terribly angsty when I talk about this and I keep having to take the out the passive-aggressive words, because I actually feel quite calm. Collected, even. 😉 If that applies to me. I feel like I’ve grown quite a lot over the last few months, but I don’t know where to put all of that new brainpower. It doesn’t seem to fit it anywhere.
It’s a lot easier shouting into the void, right? I know I’m 100% more comfortable, like, asking anonymously on Tumblr if I say anything personal, because I don’t want it to be tracked back to me. I think quite a lot about my image, and what people can view, and it sometimes annoys me that I can’t say what I want. No one is stopping me, really — I’m just, like, scared to have a conversation about queer representation in books with my friends even though I know they’d probably agree with me. And instead I end up sending them the links to cute webcomics and trying to gauge their reaction. I am so scared of people’s reactions that I never want to take the risk.
I like to think that recently I’ve been a lot more open on my blog — I have an actual name and a face to go with my words. (It’s strange to look at that picture of me. Especially now I have a haircut. I’m also wearing my lovely Eleanor & Park t-shirt, even if you can’t see it.) I can’t decide whether I like being less focused on anonymity… In some ways, I think being less private leads to me being more private in my posts. I don’t want to ruin the identity I’ve made for myself. I never really specify the cause of my feelings when I write posts; instead, I spend too much time googling my fears to feel like my response is valid. I don’t want to join in on groups I haven’t been part of before. Looking back over some of my personal posts, I can see myself dancing around a lot of ideas and emotions. Hoping someone will pick up on them? WHO KNOWS. Right now, it seems like a pattern is appearing from the various drafts of a post about love that has been cropping up over a year now. But as some things start to make sense EVERYTHING ELSE GOES MAD. *shakes head* Ugh, this sounded so much better in my head. On the page it reads like a splurge of my usual. (To be fair, I am still being quite vague. I can’t seem to get out of it haha.)
On the whole, I AM REALLY BAD AT CHANGE. I want to change a lot of things about myself, but I never quite get to where I want to be. (That sounded very negative. It’s more actually my hair, but I guess that could be a metaphor for my life?) There’s been a lot going around about the negative effects of social media lately, and whilst I think that can be true, I’ve experienced mainly positive ones! But I do connect with the idea of a ‘created’ identity. I don’t document my every thought online — you only ever see the side of me that sits behind a keyboard. I’m scared of changing your view of me; of changing <em>everyone’s</em> view of me. It’s a lot easier to stick to what you know. I don’t want to be so scared of change anymore. I want to…<em>change</em> my opinions on <em>change</em> <del>so I’m not <em>shortchanged</em> oh my god Eve DON’T EMBARRASS YOURSELF AT THE END OF THIS MEANINGFUL POST</del>.
I felt like I was slightly trying to put jokes into this. I don’t want to make it, like, a <em>thing</em>. It’s not really a thing. I am the picture of serene calm. 😉 (Seriously.) But isn’t it odd how much easier it is to confess to a stranger halfway across the world?
Alsooo! Whilst I was writing this, I realised that some other lovely people had also written posts along a similar topic.If you want to explore this kind of topic a bit more, please do head over to Mixolydian Musings or Quenching the Quill.
These aren’t actually footnotes, I swear. They’re more I-love-your-blog-and-I-want-to-send-others-your-way notes. 😛 And if you’ve written anything, then I’d love to read it!