Me, Me, Me // Personal Blogging?

I don’t think my blog is very personal. School is far too dull for a day-by-day diary. Instead, I like to write structured posts with lists that have been written and edited over several days with lots of book photoshoots and pretty fonts. No, really: I find it very difficult to talk about my own life!

Usually, I’ll only get Strong Feelings The Capitalised Edition to write about anything really happening to me if I’m a) upset or b) super excited. Although I’m not sure if my friends actually read my blog, they know what it is and where to find it. And I think that insecurity scares me. I’ve also built so much of an identity around this corner of the internet that I feel scared to change it. I want everything to be consistent, but people change.

THIS IS SO WEIRD. Normally I’m terribly angsty when I talk about this and I keep having to take the out the passive-aggressive words, because I actually feel quite calm. Collected, even. 😉 If that applies to me. I feel like I’ve grown quite a lot over the last few months, but I don’t know where to put all of that new brainpower. It doesn’t seem to fit it anywhere.

It’s a lot easier shouting into the void, right? I know I’m 100% more comfortable, like, asking anonymously on Tumblr if I say anything personal, because I don’t want it to be tracked back to me. I think quite a lot about my image, and what people can view, and it sometimes annoys me that I can’t say what I want. No one is stopping me, really — I’m just, like, scared to have a conversation about queer representation in books with my friends even though I know they’d probably agree with me. And instead I end up sending them the links to cute webcomics and trying to gauge their reaction. I am so scared of people’s reactions that I never want to take the risk.

I like to think that recently I’ve been a lot more open on my blog  — I have an actual name and a face to go with my words.  (It’s strange to look at that picture of me. Especially now I have a haircut. I’m also wearing my lovely Eleanor & Park t-shirt, even if you can’t see it.) I can’t decide whether I like being less focused on anonymity… In some ways, I think being less private leads to me being more private in my posts. I don’t want to ruin the identity I’ve made for myself. I never really specify the cause of my feelings when I write posts; instead, I spend too much time googling my fears to feel like my response is valid. I don’t want to join in on groups I haven’t been part of before. Looking back over some of my personal posts, I can see myself dancing around a lot of ideas and emotions. Hoping someone will pick up on them? WHO KNOWS. Right now, it seems like a pattern is appearing from the various drafts of a post about love that has been cropping up over a year now. But as some things start to make sense EVERYTHING ELSE GOES MAD. *shakes head* Ugh, this sounded so much better in my head. On the page it reads like a splurge of my usual. (To be fair, I am still being quite vague. I can’t seem to get out of it haha.)

On the whole, I AM REALLY BAD AT CHANGE. I want to change a lot of things about myself, but I never quite get to where I want to be. (That sounded very negative. It’s more actually my hair, but I guess that could be a metaphor for my life?) There’s been a lot going around about the negative effects of social media lately, and whilst I think that can be true, I’ve experienced mainly positive ones! But I do connect with the idea of a ‘created’ identity. I don’t document my every thought online — you only ever see the side of me that sits behind a keyboard. I’m scared of changing your view of me; of changing <em>everyone’s</em> view of me. It’s a lot easier to stick to what you know. I don’t want to be so scared of change anymore. I want to…<em>change</em> my opinions on <em>change</em> <del>so I’m not <em>shortchanged</em> oh my god Eve DON’T EMBARRASS YOURSELF AT THE END OF THIS MEANINGFUL POST</del>.

I felt like I was slightly trying to put jokes into this. I don’t want to make it, like, a <em>thing</em>. It’s not really a thing. I am the picture of serene calm. 😉 (Seriously.) But isn’t it odd how much easier it is to confess to a stranger halfway across the world?

Alsooo! Whilst I was writing this, I realised that some other lovely people had also written posts along a similar topic.If you want to explore this kind of topic a bit more, please do head over to Mixolydian Musings or Quenching the Quill.

These aren’t actually footnotes, I swear. They’re more I-love-your-blog-and-I-want-to-send-others-your-way notes. 😛 And if you’ve written anything, then I’d love to read it!

11 thoughts on “Me, Me, Me // Personal Blogging?

  1. Hey. Wanting to change yourself is okay, but I promise, you are wonderful how you are. Also, PLEASE, don’t be scared about sharing personal things – with your friends, with the blog, with ANYONE. They’ll understand cause you have as much right to feel this as ANYONE. Saying that, I’m a horribly open person on here, but I can understand the need for lists and order and the fear of changing your identity. It’s bloody scary.
    I know we don’t know each other that well, but if you ever need to splurge out your emotions, I’m here. I won’t judge, because I have no right.

  2. I definitely understand this. I don’t feel that I generally have something interesting to say about my personal life? But I get what you’re saying on the queer stuff (that just stuck out to me)- like, it’s something I’m really passionate about except like you I’m more worried about how my parents will react. Like, I know they feel the same as me about that stuff, but still, awkward… EH. Your blog is amazing and it’s cool if you want to do some personal stuff or if you don’t. ❤

    1. Yeah, I have a lot of opinions on feminism & LGBTQ+ stuff, but?? I never have the courage to say it. I’ll think that it will be totally okay to bring up in conversation, and then my parents will say something offensive and I’ll just…EH sums is up very well. (I totally want to blog about that a bit more, though.)
      Thanks so much for your support aah. ❤

  3. YES. YES YES YES. All of this. This is partially the reason I want to pick myself from the blog I have right now, and move somewhere else, because I’ve just realized I’m a google search away for everyone I know. And since I live in a country where people tend to be be a little conservative (read; VERY conservative) about things such as LGBTQ+ rights, I don’t feel comfortable on my own blog anymore, you know? It’s ruining the point of a blog, if I can’t rant about things that actually mean a lot to me.

    And I know it’s weird, but yes, I can actually see myself saying to someone “No, really, it’s private, only that thousands of strangers across the net can see it, but you can’t.” I’m done with exams ans stuff now, so yayy, hopefully I’m more regular with commenting now ❤ And thanks for the shoutout, Eve! c:

    1. That sucks. 😦 I mean, I knew that if anyone found my blog irl it wouldn’t be TOO bad. I try not to write with that in mind. But the fact that it doesn’t really matter is sort of a safety net for me, and it would probably still be pretty difficult to find my blog unless I wanted someone to. Yeah… I don’t really have any solutions to that? Other than starting somewhere new, which kkind of sucks.

      Haha it’s nice to hear I’m not alone in that. Though I don’t know what it is about the internet that makes me want to share secrets. XD Maybe the lack of eye contact. Maybe that you can just cut yourself off. WHO KNOWS?!

      No worries, it’s nice to see you again! 🙂

      1. THE LACK OF EYE CONTACT. Or the fact that I can back down anytime? Or the fact that you get to avoid one on one interaction ? Any one of those XD

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