Where Are These Perks of Being a Wallflower?

Too much crying, she thought. Too many kinds.

Fangirl, Rainbow Rowell

 Blogging hasn’t been feeling wonderful for me lately. You could probably sense the emptiness. It’s difficult to write when you’re still trying to figure out your own story.

Okay, so here’s me: I’m an observer. I like to watch people. 9 times out of 10 I won’t say anything to or about them at all, but I notice things.

I’m also an introvert, I think. When I notice, I notice how much more everyone is and wish to be like them. For me, it isn’t the falling that hurts the most (because there are plenty of hands to help you back up) but instead the feeling of not quite making the mark. The feeling of not being confident enough, smart enough, pretty enough: just the feeling of not being enough. I’ve got an entire draft listing the reasons I feel inadequate somewhere.

I suppose I’m always going to feel a bit jealous of those effortlessly charming people. I enjoy being around people but it takes a lot for me to be comfortable and to stop worrying about the things that come out of my mouth. It extends to the keyboard, as well; though I’m far more comfortable in writing, I can still agonise over sending emails and comments sometimes. That’s why it can sometimes be such a relief to be anonymous, to become someone new. I know that it can be problematic but  sometimes it’s a relief to be able to compliment someone without it feeling like an open wound.

I guess I’ve just got to learn that being quiet isn’t a crime. In books the characters usually have their soulmate or their best buddy who will totally get them, and…to be honest, I’ve found that doesn’t really happen. I don’t see anyone thinking I’m, like, a leader. Cool. Look at me – I can make small talk, maybe, but people start asking what do I want to do when I’m older and what music do I like and am I dating anyone and I’ll clam up. I love my friends to pieces and I’d do anything for them, but there are always going to be moments when we’re not quite aligned.

Yeah. I’ve got other things bothering me, but I think that this is the most important. This is the reason that I’m not spilling out my entire heart to you and sobbing on your shoulder. I love you all to pieces as well, but I think there are some problems that aren’t solved by talking about it.

(Maybe it would. I don’t know. But I don’t think that I’m brave enough to.)

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11 thoughts on “Where Are These Perks of Being a Wallflower?

  1. *hugs* I feel this way a lot as well. This line really stuck out to me: “I suppose I’m always going to feel a bit jealous of those effortlessly charming people” because I feel exactly the same. How do they do it, honestly? It’s small talk that does it in for me- once I get through “hello” and “how are you”, I don’t ever know what to say and end up just sitting there.
    Anyhow, I’m (attempting to) send hugs and chocolate through the internet. ❤

    • *hugs back* Yeah, I’m a bit useless at just making conversations (especially with people I don’t know). Thank you very much for the hugs and chocolate! Hopefully the half of a chocolate bar I’ve sent back reached you. 😉 (No but really, thank you! It’s really nice to know I’m not alone in this.)

      • I generally just sort of sit there awkwardly, attempting to make some sort of small talk. SOOOO awkward. -_- that’s part of the reason why I love blogging so much- we can type out what we want to say and edit and proofread! So much easier.
        It’s no problem, really, I was glad I wasn’t alone either! *more hugs*

  2. I think this is a universal feeling, especially prominent among teenagers. But the tricky thing is, most people don’t tell anyone about it. Often those who look so confident and charming without effort (I think there’s a funny word for it…sprezzatura!) have a lot of insecurities buried inside too, you just don’t see it. Okay I’m going to sound like an arrogant twat–but it seems to me that quite a few of my classmates think I’m confident, and they often choose me as representative for presentations. The truth is, I’m always terrified. I always feel like I’m overrated, and someday people will find out I’m not that good and will never be friends with me again. On the inside I’m always panicking and worrying if I had just said something wrong. And that never good enough feeling is just arg. ARG. You’re not alone, mate. Hope this gives you an insight into my mind XD .
    And because most of us don’t talk about it often, those “I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME!” moments are extra surprising. It’s crazy how much I can relate to this post (but again, probably because no one really talks about it.) Jealousy is another. Soulmates and BFFs being basically mystical creatures that is another . (Like my best friend doesn’t believe mental illness exists. *sigh* ) Well, I’m glad you didn’t spill your heart out and sob on my shoulder (not in the mean way!)–I wouldn’t be able to handle it (that’s another social awkwardness, not knowing how to comfort people…I’m rambling.) These problems, I haven’t seem to find a solution to them yet either. Talking might actually help because you’re figuring out what the problems is. After that…I try to get used to it because I’m a passive possum (gosh I read Cait’s blog way too much. Now I start to talk in alliterations.) Change is hard, and, because I’m pessimistic, doesn’t always work. It varies for each person, though!
    Eh, sorry for bringing negativity to your blog 😛 I’ll try to be more positive next time. Thanks for sharing!

    • Yeah, I guess there’s a reason people call the teenage years ‘awkward’. (That is indeed an awesome word!) No, not at all – you’re right, I’m probably more sensitive to how I personally act rather that thinking about what others feel inside. These things are always more obvious to ourselves. I think maybe this feeling comes on more when I’m with particularly talkative people and I compare them to me.
      *hugs* I don’t know you very well, but from what I do know you seem like a lovely person! I’m sure your friends wouldn’t leave you. I think maybe a lot of people worry about what they’re saying. Thank you very much for sharing! It’s really nice to know that you aren’t alone. 🙂
      I don’t really vocalise it, but I do feel jealous more often than I’d like. I’m 90% sure than soulmates are in fact mystical creatures. Finding someone who’s exactly aligned with you in every way just sounds kinda…yeah, mystical. Oh goodness, I’m so awful at being supportive – it’s not that I’m not supportive, but I always say the wrong thing at the wrong time.
      To be honest, the other things are more just things I’m figuring about myself rather than problems, exactly. Thanks for sharing how you deal with them! (And eep, Cait’s blog is fabulous!)
      No, thank you very much for your advice! 🙂

    • Yeah, writing this post has kinda made me realise that feeling this way isn’t so uncommon. There are also a ton of awesome people who identify as a being more wallflower-y!

  3. *sends hugs and takeout for you* This really cut me to the bone. It’s definitely really exhausting for us introverts to reach out to other people, even though I’m sure you have lots of amazing observations you could share, and with that touch of perfectionism it must be really hard for you. And so much yes for that friend who completely gets you. I mean, yeah, I have some close friends, but we’re always gonna disagree and argue. I’m sure you’ll get through this temporary low and find your own place in the world, though!

    • *sends hugs back* *abruptly realises that takeout is takeaway and bangs head on desk but eats anyway*
      Yeah, I don’t think being a bit of a perfectionist helps that much! It’s great to hear other people’s experiences of stuff like this, though.
      Thank you! I’m already feeling kinda better after writing it out, and hopefully as time passes that’ll improve more. 🙂

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