I’m Scared of Being a Teenager

I don’t think I’m very good at being your typical teenager. Granted, I still have some time to turn all rebellious and moody, but I don’t see myself becoming like that. I also don’t see myself having a big falling out with my parents, or going to parties, or whatever else I’m supposed to do. Those things scare me. That’s why I like to stay in my little idyllic den of books and blogging and other fun things.

I think, though, the number one thing I don’t like to talk about is relationships. It seems like relationships are the number one sign of a confident, popular and mature person or whatever. Yes, I can enjoy them in books, but they have to be written well – the reason that I love Rainbow Rowell’s books is that focus on the personality rather than the ‘OMG super hot’ side. I just don’t really understand people going on about physical appearances.

It’s not that I don’t like looking at people. This might sound slightly odd (I don’t mean it in that way?) but I just like looking at everyone. Everyone is just so beautiful. There’s too much beauty. But it’s not like appearance is a choice. The reason I get mad at ‘love at first sight’ is because you don’t freaking know the person. If I fall in love, I’d hope it was for personality. The idea of liking someone based largely on their appearance is foreign to me.

It isn’t I’m not keen the thought of love, either. Sure, I get a little embarrassed, but I want to experience the things I read about. I’ve fallen in love with poems and characters a thousand times, drunkenly turned their pages and giddily danced around vacant staircases for joy, but never for anything substantial. Never for anything real.

God, I don’t know where I’m going with this. I hope that I work myself out sometime. I don’t know if things will be better after school or not, because I’m scared for the future. I feel like I’m both too old and too young for my own skin. I’m bloody terrified of some of the people at school, but at least they’ve got themselves together. (Even if it’s a kind of dark and twisted mess.) See, I just want to talk about poetry and books and art and sing in the sunshine and travel the world and cook and laugh. I don’t want to make myself into something I’m not just to impress other people.

I don’t know if I’ll get more confident as I grow or whether I’ll just be stuck behind on this different path that it appears I chose long ago. It’s like I’m walking a world away from the people I used to be friends with.

School feels like it’s the centre of the world right now. I know it isn’t, but it’s sometimes hard to remember that.

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19 thoughts on “I’m Scared of Being a Teenager

  1. This is like the best thing I’ve read in ages. Because it sums up basically just about *everything* that I was feeling only like a month ago. Partly why I dreaded being a teenager, was because of everything that everyone else thought. They thought I would turn into a rude twisted mess. So that’s what I thought it would eventually lead to. I didn’t want to.

    And it’s EXACTLY the same with books. I’m fine with them going to huge parties or whatever they do. I just don’t see that happening with me in real life. I feel the same about school. Everything just somehow makes its way there, and sometimes it stresses me out. You put all of this into words. Lovely post <33

    1. I’m glad you enjoyed! It’s like as soon as you turn 13, BAM you’re a teenager who is moody and rebellious and whatever. When I was younger, I looked up at my older cousins and thought that I would end up being like them, but we actually have quite different personalities. I don’t think I will.

      School is just EUGH. They make it seem like tests will dictate the rest of your life, when they shouldn’t. Hopefully things will start looking up? πŸ™‚

  2. Okay, first of all let me give you a hug because YOU ARE AWESOME WHOEVER YOU DECIDE TO BE. I think the most important advice I can give you is to learn to be positive and confident about your artistic self. I do this thing called the “murder walk” when I just put on my best “I will kill everyone in this room” face and saunter in like I own the room and its occupants’ lives. Granted, a little on the morbid side, but I find it does wonders for my self-esteem.

    Aside from me rambling, I happened across a great related post today, so here you go: http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2015/03/self-talk.html

    1. Thank you. ❀ I seem go through a lot of ups and downs over my self confidence, but hopefully I'll be able to learn to be positive all the time. I find that writing things down is a really good release for me, for some reason?

      Ahaha, maybe I'll try that murder walk! (I also find that envisioning myself as an awesome kick-ass character helps. Like Katniss. Or Celaena Sardothien.)
      Thank you so much again for the advice and link. πŸ™‚

  3. This post is perfection. It completely sums up the confusion of being a teenager. On the topic of relationships, it’s really very awkward. So many adults ask me if I have a boyfriend, and the answer is always no. I think everyone is beautiful in their own way, on the inside (unless, you know, they hurt puppies), no matter what they look like on the outside. I like everyone generally but I just don’t see the point of being in a relationship, now, or anytime, really. I am perfectly happy with who I am and it’s constantly frustrating to have people for some reason believe that my relationships define me. When I say that I don’t have a boyfriend, have never had a boyfriend, and never plan on having a boyfriend (I plan on becoming an old lady with 72 cats), people somehow think something is “wrong” with me. Just because I prefer to fall in love with books instead of people just means that I am different, and special in my own way, and unique. I love being who I am and I hate how the teenager-stereotype has to define me. I, too, do not know where I am going with this, but I guess what I’m trying to say is: I am happy with who I am right now, and if being who I am is not who you want me to be, that’s your problem, not mine. Okay, well, that turned into a little more rambling than I expected. But I hope you get what I mean.

    1. Thank you, I’m so glad you’ve found something you recognise. πŸ™‚
      Relationships just CONFUSE ME. I think I can understand what you mean about adults asking if you have a boyfriend – I mean, I have quite a few friends who are boys, but I wouldn’t think about them romantically.
      When I was younger, my life goal was seriously to become a cat lady. That was what I told people. I realise now that that might not be financially sustainable, but it doesn’t sound like a bad idea to me?
      It might seem kind of hypocritical coming from someone who goes through a lot of mood swings, but it’s great that you’re happy with who you are. πŸ™‚ The teenager stereotype is just something that doesn’t actually exist in real life. (When I’m an adult – says she ominously – I’d like to hope that I don’t enforce it.)
      Nah, you are among fellow ramblers! Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. It’s sometimes just nice to know I’m not alone.

  4. Hey!

    Coming from someone who dealt with the same things during high school, I totally understand. I went through trying to change myself to gain friends only to have them let me down. However, this story has a happy ending… I finally was able to accept myself for who I was and live in that truth everyday. Being a teenager sucks, it really does, but it’s also great because it’s the time where you grow accustomed to who you are really are. I was always awkward about relationships and dating too, even friendships because in all honesty, relationships of any kind are scary to me. I know it’s much easier to escape into a book or a story, but sometimes you have to step out. I think that you are a great person from what I can tell from your blog. Never lose sight of who you are and what you want to continue to be. It wasn’t until a few months ago that I stopped fighting my actual self. People will ALWAYS love you for who you are. It may be stressful right now and it may continue to be stressful, but that’s okay because you will get through it.

    1. Thank you so much for your beautiful words of advice. πŸ™‚ It’s great to hear from people who have had experiences of being a teenager.
      I’m glad that you feel confident about yourself, and with luck I will be able to do the same and be happy with who I am! I feel okay most of the time, but occasionally I do feel a bit blue and this sort of post happens.
      Thank you so much once again ❀

  5. Being in high school can be a very confusing thing, but just remember that it’s okay not knowing yet who you really are and the type of person you want to be. That’s what high school is for! Well, and college, too. And maybe even after college. Oh, and don’t let yourself be pressured into being in a relationship. I have no interest in being in a relationship (unless it’s friendship :D) in high school, and I have lots of friends that aren’t in a relationship. Yes, there’s pressure and there’s people that feel they have to date in high school because everyone else is doing it, but it’s okay to fight against the pressure.

    1. Thank you so much. πŸ™‚ Hopefully I *will* find my identity, but I think I’m mostly okay with not completely knowing myself yet. (Mostly. And if not then I get all the bad stuff out by writing it, usually. πŸ˜› )

  6. Wow. This is one of the most intense, most beautiful post on being a teenager I have ever seen. It does seem like a lot of it is centered around who you’re friends with and dating and whatnot- and nobody seems to care that you’re struggling to discover who you really are. *sighs* I relate so much. Lovely post yet again!

    1. Thank you so much. πŸ™‚ I’m glad you can relate to this crazy weird mishmash of emotions that appears to be being a teenager. Labels are really unhelpful whilst we’re all still figuring out our own identity.

  7. Whoever you are, and however you act, and whatever you say and whatever you feel, it’s YOUR feelings. You’re right: you shouldn’t have to fit yourself into this mould that leads to stereotypes. But the people who you used to be friends with? You’re different to them, and which can be a good thing.

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