A Conversation with my Laptop

I was given a new laptop for Christmas – or at least, I thought it was new, since it turned out to be an old one covered in purple stickers. Anyway, it’s a little, shall we say…uncooperative. To demonstrate this uncooperativeness, I recorded all the things I shouted at it. Here they are, in all their glory.

The laptop in question
The laptop in question

Turning on my laptop

Me: (searches desperately for the powers button) Come on, laptop, turn on! I know you can do this, just listen to me…
Laptop: Nope, nope, nope.
Me: Seriously?!?! (now despairing) Can you please with a cherry on top tell me where the stupid power button is?
Laptop: I’m not saying anything.
Me: Well, sucks to you. (Sticks out tongue and calls up the stairs) Da-ad?
Dad: Ye-es?
Me: How do you turn the laptop on?
Dad: You press the power button.
Dad: It’s the large one in the right hand corner. It’s a ling thin rectangle.
Me: (looks at laptop) Oh. I see. That one. That very large one with a power sign on it.
Laptop: Ha. (looks smug)

Trying to type something on my laptop

Me: Okay, so I’ve finally managed to load this thing called WordPad. Congratulations, self.
Laptop: Such an achievement, honey.
Me: Shush. I am not going to be offended by my laptop. (starts writing)
(ten minutes later)
Me: Alright. That might be enough. How many words is that? (searches for the word count button)
Laptop: Ahem.
Me: What?
Laptop: AHEM.
Me: What?!
Laptop: There is no word count button, you idiot.
Laptop: No, no word count button.
Me: Dammit. I’ll have to look it up on the internet. There are word count widgets on the internet, right?

Trying to surf the internet on my laptop

Me: So…where’s the internet button? Ah, here. (clicks the internet explorer icon)
Laptop: Can I just point out that it loads onto two totally useless homepages?
Me: Yeah, well, I can see that. I mean, ASUS website? What use is that?
Laptop: Well, it basically acts as an advert.
Me: Yes, yes, I know. What I’m trying to say is that it doesn’t benefit me in any way.
Laptop: Webpage is not responding. Recover Webpage?
Me: (sighs) No, I’ll just exit the window. (tries to exit the window but nothing happens. Clicks on internet icon again) I have no idea what’s happening. Da-ad?
Dad: Ye-es?
Me: I can’t load the internet on my laptop.
Dad: Press the internet explorer icon.
Me: I have, but it’s going nuts.
Dad: (sighs) Maybe that laptop wasn’t such a good idea…

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